I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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