I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
