DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
