a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
