So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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