I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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