So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
