she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
