i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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