Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
