it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
