some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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