i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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