I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
