Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
