the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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