I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
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Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.