Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.