I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
