Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
