I looked at my own cervix.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
