her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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