There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
