wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
