So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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