youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Randomize
