Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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