I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
