Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
