How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
