So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
