I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
