Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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