u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
