Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
