I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
