I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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