remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
