This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
