i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
