oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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