I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
