A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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