mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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