so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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