so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
