We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
