I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
