he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
