I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
