this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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