He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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