apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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