I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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