I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
