If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize