I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
