she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
