There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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