1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
