I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
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Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
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Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
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