I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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