Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
